Another Day of Blah

So I was looking back on recent Blogs. And I see a similar theme: my marriage is blah. I think what it comes down to is this: I don't have the energy to spice it up. I'm exhausted. Physically and emotionally and everything in between. I'm tired of always taking the first step. Here is what else I'm tired of: My husband only touching me when he wants sex. Can he kiss me without grabbing my boobs?

The other things that pisses me off? My husband's indecisiveness. One days he’s ranting that I don’t do enough around that house (what?!?!), the next day he’s thanking me for everything I do. One day he’s suggesting we date other people. The next day he wants to buy a house with a white picket fence.

Make up your damn mind.

girl number one

Interview #3

Years Married: 1 year  8 months

I have been married twice before.  The first marriage was to my daughter’s father.  I was 19 and it lasted 1 year.  My second marriage was to a man 12 years older than me.  I knew I preferred women from a very early age but didn’t think the ‘lifestyle’ fit the type of family I wanted.  It wasn’t until I was in my second marriage that I started meeting other gay people and learned that they had similar values as me.

My wife was married once before for ten years and the two are actually still friends. As a matter of fact, she came to our wedding.

The lows of past marriages would be that I could never fully be myself; therefore, I chose people to be with who were abusive and didn’t actually care about who ‘myself’ was.

I love being married to my wife, so there are so many highs.  To know that someone actually loves you for you is just amazing.  She supports me in everything I do and believes in me when I can’t or just don’t believe in myself. 

How important is happiness to you? In your Own Life? In your Marriage? Would you stay in a marriage if you were unhappy?

Happiness is one of my life goals, so very important in my life and marriage.  I have stayed in unhappy marriages and can tell you that they start killing parts of you.  This isn’t to say that I am going to bail on marriage if we have unhappy moments; instead I am going to work very hard to figure out what is going on and why we are unhappy.  My Wife is a very “therapy positive” person.  I am not, but I would be in a therapist office in a minute if she told me she was unhappy and wanted us to seek therapy together. 

What is the best quality about your spouse? Is that quality something you initially looked for in a spouse?

My wife is open and honest.  It is something that I struggle with but also know that it makes us a stronger couple.  I have a hard time sharing feelings.  She has to share feelings.

She is also the most compassionate and caring person I know.  It is her entire life.  She even makes her living from it.  She is pediatric chaplain.  She donates to a huge list of charities, raises money for childhood cancer research, and raises awareness about all kinds of social justice issues from immigration laws to human trafficking for sexual exploitation.

She is also the most intelligent person I know.

When you first got married, is this where you saw yourself, where you are now?

Life is better than I have ever imagined.  I was in love when I got married but now it is something more.

What is your favorite thing to do with your spouse?

We like to play and be silly.  On our first date we walked to a park after a concert and played on the swings.  We haven’t stopped playing since then.  We go for bike rides, beach days, runs, walks, dancing, and just lots of laughing. 

What movie/song best describes your marriage? Nothing in between  by Stuart Davis

What is the one thing you wish you could tell women who are looking for love?

I wish I could tell my daughter that love is not about changing who you are.  I also wish I she knew that she doesn’t need someone to complete her.

Extra Notes:

I love being married.  My marriage is not legal but it is the most real thing I know.  My life has changed in some amazing ways from having such a healthy love.  I never knew life could be this great.

This is what my wife wrote on our wedding blog:

While I am rarely at a loss for words, I believe that love can be so totally engaging, healing, and transforming that all the physical senses lack the ability to capture the experience. That is where (Wife) and I are… in the throes of all that love reveals to us. We believe it will be some time before we can fully articulate the experience of cultivating our relationship because it has been so breathtakingly unexpected. But for the sake of reflection, love, and a snazzy wedding website, I’m going to try.

First of all, it seems that there are no words eloquent enough to capture what has happened between (Wife) and me. Neither of us was looking for a relationship or love… and we definitely weren’t looking to create a new family. Yet, that is what began to happen in almost effortless ways from the beginning. It started with a strong and indescribable connection that soon grew. We each experienced an awakening of pieces of ourselves we had not previously known. And most notably, we found new hope, vision, and dreams together.

 Yet, that is not all that happened. (Daughter), (Wife)’s fifteen-year-old daughter, was cautiously watching this relationship develop trying to figure out what it meant in her life. She soon discovered that I am not afraid to play and so began our relationship. Whether it was riding shopping carts in parking lots or searching for the perfect “trapper hat,” (Daugther) and I spent a lot of time talking, playing, and just hanging out.

 This leads us to today. We are planning our wedding as a ritual to share our commitment in the company of the friends and family that hold and nurture us. It is a special time for all three of us and we look forward to sharing it with you either in person or through pictures and conversation. Regardless, of how it happens, we want to share the joy we are experiencing with you.

Happy Anniversary

Sorry to have abandoned you. We were on vacation. And my feeling about marriage these days? Blah.

My husband and I will be celebrating our 4th Anniversary in a couple of weeks. My husband is not big on celebrating or anything. I usually make him buy me something. I realize 4 years isn’t anything to get worked up about. I mean we've made it past the honeymoon stage. Now we're in the stage when we're too busy for sex, too broke for date night and we're having a hard time deciding between buying a house and getting divorced. Yes, that's year 4 in a nutshell.

Well here are my lows and highs from the past 4 years.

Highs:

Year two, we started watching The Office. We borrowed the DVDs from a friend, and every night we’d watch until we couldn’t keep our eyes open. My husband would be too tired to get up for work in the morning. My husband doesn’t think I’m funny, and I think he’s a big dull dud, so the fact that we found something that amused us both was incredible. We laughed so hard.

The first year of marriage? Bliss. He would take a long lunch. Come home from work; we would have sex and eat lunch together. I would make everything from scratch. Cookies, bread, lasagna. Then, in the evening, I’d wait by the door for him to return from work. And we’d eat dinner together. Have sex. Talk about how much we loved each other. Ughhh. Gag. I’m glad that’s over.

 Lows:

When we moved across the Midwest, we had no furniture. Well we had a mattress. So we slept on that, ate on the floor and played brick breaker on our phones. So about 2 weeks after we moved, we drove 90 minutes down to IKEA and spent 8 hours getting EVERYTHING we needed for the house. Furniture to pots and pants. My husband has an opinion about the décor of the house, so the conflict and stress of picking out an entire house was almost too much for our marriage. Then after we had spent 8 hours with a newborn in IKEA, we discovered they didn’t deliver to our house. So my husband drove our stuff home in a moving truck, and then came back and got us. Wiped us out.

Driving 22-hours across country with 3 children and in-laws. We made it half-way, and my husband suggested we head home. After 2 hours of convincing him the rest of the trip wouldn’t kill us, we headed South. It was really stressful financially for my husband. The kids were having out-of-control-meltdowns everyday and the in-laws were exhausted. Perhaps a vacation after vacation?

So Celebrating 4 years of laughing, love, stress, kids, in-laws, redecorating...

  Girl
Number One

"I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ"-Anais Nin

Thankful Thursday Part 2

Okay, Fine. I'll make a list too. I don't want to be the one who is ungrateful. And I think I am ungrateful. After awhile, you just start expecting things from your spouse. You stop appreciating. So 10 things, I love about my husband.

1.      He works 2 jobs so I can stay home with the kids. He would work 8 jobs if he had to.

2.      He indulges my love of shoes.

3.      Some nights he comes home and says, “I know you want to go out to eat. Where to? Mexican?”

4.      He doesn’t know who is playing in the Super Bowl or what March Madness is. Instead he watches the Jersey Shore with me.

5.      He never says anything bad about me behind my back.

6.      He (usually) doesn’t get mad when I call him 7 times while he’s working.

7.      When I cry, he lets me wipe my nose on his shirt.

8.      He didn’t get too mad when we accidentally got pregnant 3 times. He’s a really great dad.

9.      He always says, “Okay, baby” when I tell him I need something.

10.  After almost 4 years, he finally puts the toilet seat down.

Girl Number One

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to pause and take a break from complaining. I'm going to list 10 things that I love about being married to my husband. Bear with me please. I am doing this for me. I need to do this so I can break out of my slump; this slump that I have found myself in...going three days strong. With the smell of bleach still clinging to my fingers (my husband was supposed to clean the tub, not me..) I will tell you, honestly, 10 new things that I love about my husband.

1. He's very very clean. He always smells good and always takes a shower. And always brushes his teeth.
2. My husband is very smart. He knows how to spell and he's like a living, breathing, Thesaurus. Comes in handy.
3. He laughs out loud while he's watching TV by himself.
4. He listens really well and always takes my side...unless I'm being a complete moron.
5. He is a really good Dad to our little one. He's affectionate and loving and loves to play with her.
6. He tells me he loves me every time we hang up on the phone and every time I leave the house.
7. He's a diligent worker at his job.
8. He does crossword puzzles while he watches sports
9. He never gets mad at me for crying. every day.
10. Every night I fall asleep reading, and he takes my glasses off and puts my book away and kisses me goodnight.

Whew. I feel better already.
girl number two

Extension of Interview #2

In a follow-up E-mail:

Also, I just wanted to say that in daily life with him - he does stuff that bugs the crap out of me. I mean the being late, snoring, forgetting to take out the garbage, royally screwing up on my birthday....but I've been trying really hard not to focus on those things.

I mean I know that is all just petty little stuff....and it irks me, but I am sincerely trying to let that stuff slide. It's easy for me to focus on those negative things...and all that does is end up making me really mad about stuff that is actually pretty dumb. So I try to bitch about it to my girlfriends and then feel better when I hear that everyone has equally goofy issues and that life isn't always "perfect", for anyone.