Another Day of Blah

So I was looking back on recent Blogs. And I see a similar theme: my marriage is blah. I think what it comes down to is this: I don't have the energy to spice it up. I'm exhausted. Physically and emotionally and everything in between. I'm tired of always taking the first step. Here is what else I'm tired of: My husband only touching me when he wants sex. Can he kiss me without grabbing my boobs?

The other things that pisses me off? My husband's indecisiveness. One days he’s ranting that I don’t do enough around that house (what?!?!), the next day he’s thanking me for everything I do. One day he’s suggesting we date other people. The next day he wants to buy a house with a white picket fence.

Make up your damn mind.

girl number one

Interview #3

Years Married: 1 year  8 months

I have been married twice before.  The first marriage was to my daughter’s father.  I was 19 and it lasted 1 year.  My second marriage was to a man 12 years older than me.  I knew I preferred women from a very early age but didn’t think the ‘lifestyle’ fit the type of family I wanted.  It wasn’t until I was in my second marriage that I started meeting other gay people and learned that they had similar values as me.

My wife was married once before for ten years and the two are actually still friends. As a matter of fact, she came to our wedding.

The lows of past marriages would be that I could never fully be myself; therefore, I chose people to be with who were abusive and didn’t actually care about who ‘myself’ was.

I love being married to my wife, so there are so many highs.  To know that someone actually loves you for you is just amazing.  She supports me in everything I do and believes in me when I can’t or just don’t believe in myself. 

How important is happiness to you? In your Own Life? In your Marriage? Would you stay in a marriage if you were unhappy?

Happiness is one of my life goals, so very important in my life and marriage.  I have stayed in unhappy marriages and can tell you that they start killing parts of you.  This isn’t to say that I am going to bail on marriage if we have unhappy moments; instead I am going to work very hard to figure out what is going on and why we are unhappy.  My Wife is a very “therapy positive” person.  I am not, but I would be in a therapist office in a minute if she told me she was unhappy and wanted us to seek therapy together. 

What is the best quality about your spouse? Is that quality something you initially looked for in a spouse?

My wife is open and honest.  It is something that I struggle with but also know that it makes us a stronger couple.  I have a hard time sharing feelings.  She has to share feelings.

She is also the most compassionate and caring person I know.  It is her entire life.  She even makes her living from it.  She is pediatric chaplain.  She donates to a huge list of charities, raises money for childhood cancer research, and raises awareness about all kinds of social justice issues from immigration laws to human trafficking for sexual exploitation.

She is also the most intelligent person I know.

When you first got married, is this where you saw yourself, where you are now?

Life is better than I have ever imagined.  I was in love when I got married but now it is something more.

What is your favorite thing to do with your spouse?

We like to play and be silly.  On our first date we walked to a park after a concert and played on the swings.  We haven’t stopped playing since then.  We go for bike rides, beach days, runs, walks, dancing, and just lots of laughing. 

What movie/song best describes your marriage? Nothing in between  by Stuart Davis

What is the one thing you wish you could tell women who are looking for love?

I wish I could tell my daughter that love is not about changing who you are.  I also wish I she knew that she doesn’t need someone to complete her.

Extra Notes:

I love being married.  My marriage is not legal but it is the most real thing I know.  My life has changed in some amazing ways from having such a healthy love.  I never knew life could be this great.

This is what my wife wrote on our wedding blog:

While I am rarely at a loss for words, I believe that love can be so totally engaging, healing, and transforming that all the physical senses lack the ability to capture the experience. That is where (Wife) and I are… in the throes of all that love reveals to us. We believe it will be some time before we can fully articulate the experience of cultivating our relationship because it has been so breathtakingly unexpected. But for the sake of reflection, love, and a snazzy wedding website, I’m going to try.

First of all, it seems that there are no words eloquent enough to capture what has happened between (Wife) and me. Neither of us was looking for a relationship or love… and we definitely weren’t looking to create a new family. Yet, that is what began to happen in almost effortless ways from the beginning. It started with a strong and indescribable connection that soon grew. We each experienced an awakening of pieces of ourselves we had not previously known. And most notably, we found new hope, vision, and dreams together.

 Yet, that is not all that happened. (Daughter), (Wife)’s fifteen-year-old daughter, was cautiously watching this relationship develop trying to figure out what it meant in her life. She soon discovered that I am not afraid to play and so began our relationship. Whether it was riding shopping carts in parking lots or searching for the perfect “trapper hat,” (Daugther) and I spent a lot of time talking, playing, and just hanging out.

 This leads us to today. We are planning our wedding as a ritual to share our commitment in the company of the friends and family that hold and nurture us. It is a special time for all three of us and we look forward to sharing it with you either in person or through pictures and conversation. Regardless, of how it happens, we want to share the joy we are experiencing with you.

Happy Anniversary

Sorry to have abandoned you. We were on vacation. And my feeling about marriage these days? Blah.

My husband and I will be celebrating our 4th Anniversary in a couple of weeks. My husband is not big on celebrating or anything. I usually make him buy me something. I realize 4 years isn’t anything to get worked up about. I mean we've made it past the honeymoon stage. Now we're in the stage when we're too busy for sex, too broke for date night and we're having a hard time deciding between buying a house and getting divorced. Yes, that's year 4 in a nutshell.

Well here are my lows and highs from the past 4 years.

Highs:

Year two, we started watching The Office. We borrowed the DVDs from a friend, and every night we’d watch until we couldn’t keep our eyes open. My husband would be too tired to get up for work in the morning. My husband doesn’t think I’m funny, and I think he’s a big dull dud, so the fact that we found something that amused us both was incredible. We laughed so hard.

The first year of marriage? Bliss. He would take a long lunch. Come home from work; we would have sex and eat lunch together. I would make everything from scratch. Cookies, bread, lasagna. Then, in the evening, I’d wait by the door for him to return from work. And we’d eat dinner together. Have sex. Talk about how much we loved each other. Ughhh. Gag. I’m glad that’s over.

 Lows:

When we moved across the Midwest, we had no furniture. Well we had a mattress. So we slept on that, ate on the floor and played brick breaker on our phones. So about 2 weeks after we moved, we drove 90 minutes down to IKEA and spent 8 hours getting EVERYTHING we needed for the house. Furniture to pots and pants. My husband has an opinion about the décor of the house, so the conflict and stress of picking out an entire house was almost too much for our marriage. Then after we had spent 8 hours with a newborn in IKEA, we discovered they didn’t deliver to our house. So my husband drove our stuff home in a moving truck, and then came back and got us. Wiped us out.

Driving 22-hours across country with 3 children and in-laws. We made it half-way, and my husband suggested we head home. After 2 hours of convincing him the rest of the trip wouldn’t kill us, we headed South. It was really stressful financially for my husband. The kids were having out-of-control-meltdowns everyday and the in-laws were exhausted. Perhaps a vacation after vacation?

So Celebrating 4 years of laughing, love, stress, kids, in-laws, redecorating...

  Girl
Number One

"I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ"-Anais Nin

Thankful Thursday Part 2

Okay, Fine. I'll make a list too. I don't want to be the one who is ungrateful. And I think I am ungrateful. After awhile, you just start expecting things from your spouse. You stop appreciating. So 10 things, I love about my husband.

1.      He works 2 jobs so I can stay home with the kids. He would work 8 jobs if he had to.

2.      He indulges my love of shoes.

3.      Some nights he comes home and says, “I know you want to go out to eat. Where to? Mexican?”

4.      He doesn’t know who is playing in the Super Bowl or what March Madness is. Instead he watches the Jersey Shore with me.

5.      He never says anything bad about me behind my back.

6.      He (usually) doesn’t get mad when I call him 7 times while he’s working.

7.      When I cry, he lets me wipe my nose on his shirt.

8.      He didn’t get too mad when we accidentally got pregnant 3 times. He’s a really great dad.

9.      He always says, “Okay, baby” when I tell him I need something.

10.  After almost 4 years, he finally puts the toilet seat down.

Girl Number One

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to pause and take a break from complaining. I'm going to list 10 things that I love about being married to my husband. Bear with me please. I am doing this for me. I need to do this so I can break out of my slump; this slump that I have found myself in...going three days strong. With the smell of bleach still clinging to my fingers (my husband was supposed to clean the tub, not me..) I will tell you, honestly, 10 new things that I love about my husband.

1. He's very very clean. He always smells good and always takes a shower. And always brushes his teeth.
2. My husband is very smart. He knows how to spell and he's like a living, breathing, Thesaurus. Comes in handy.
3. He laughs out loud while he's watching TV by himself.
4. He listens really well and always takes my side...unless I'm being a complete moron.
5. He is a really good Dad to our little one. He's affectionate and loving and loves to play with her.
6. He tells me he loves me every time we hang up on the phone and every time I leave the house.
7. He's a diligent worker at his job.
8. He does crossword puzzles while he watches sports
9. He never gets mad at me for crying. every day.
10. Every night I fall asleep reading, and he takes my glasses off and puts my book away and kisses me goodnight.

Whew. I feel better already.
girl number two

Extension of Interview #2

In a follow-up E-mail:

Also, I just wanted to say that in daily life with him - he does stuff that bugs the crap out of me. I mean the being late, snoring, forgetting to take out the garbage, royally screwing up on my birthday....but I've been trying really hard not to focus on those things.

I mean I know that is all just petty little stuff....and it irks me, but I am sincerely trying to let that stuff slide. It's easy for me to focus on those negative things...and all that does is end up making me really mad about stuff that is actually pretty dumb. So I try to bitch about it to my girlfriends and then feel better when I hear that everyone has equally goofy issues and that life isn't always "perfect", for anyone.

Interview #2

Age: 40

Years Married: 9.5

Children: 2

One previous marriage - divorced after 3 yrs. That was my college boyfriend....met at age 19 (hello, ridiculous age) - got married at 23 and divorced when I was 27.

  

What is the best quality about your spouse? 

Not so much one thing, but a combination of things. He is extraordinarily level headed...ridiculously intelligent....accepts my faults...I love that he and I enjoy a lot of the same things. He's responsible, honest, has integrity.

How important is Sex in your relationship?  Do you look forward to sex, or do you feel it has become a “duty”?

I am sad to report that sleep often wins out over sex. I do look forward to it, but it isn't first on the priority list.

When you first got married, is this where you saw yourself, where you are now?

Not specifically. When we first got married I wasn't sure I wanted to have kids and he was okay with that. After a few years I really really wanted kids, not just for the sake of having kids, but because I wanted them with HIM.

What is your favorite thing to do with your spouse?

We have two small kids - sleep! Ok, that's kind of serious, but kind of not. Ok, in a fantasy moment, it would be a really nice dinner out together or traveling and exploring together. But on a more realistic, down to earth note, I think it's simply reading together or playing board games. I know, goofy, but it's fun to chat and play board games and drink tea after the kids are in bed.

What is the best thing about being married? The Worst?

I think realizing that as much as I sometimes think he doesn't understand me, that he really is the only person that truly gets me and accepts all of me. For some reason I'm having trouble thinking of things in terms of the best and worst. Worst.....in-laws? That might be it! I often need to remind myself that some of the things that bother me (like he's always late for things....) have always been the case. I mean he's always been kinda late for things, so I can't complain that much because I knew what I was getting into.

What is the one thing you wish you could tell women who are looking for love?

I think a lot of people want a WEDDING. They just want the romantic idea of a big wedding and happily ever after....instead of finding love first and planning a life together. I believe you need to be truly and honestly happy alone before you can be happy with someone else. I've met people who say "I want to get married young - or I always knew I wanted to get married before I was [insert random age here]." What? I mean what the hell does that mean? I don't get how you can decide to get married at a certain age when you haven't met that person yet. I mean what is the plan - just marry a warm body who will propose to you when you are 23, regardless of if you think you can be happy with them in 20 years? I also think that a lot of people make the mistake of thinking they can change someone to be more compatible with them. Nope, sorry, that doesn't happen. And if it does I think in the end you will both resent it.

In-laws

Yes, my in-laws arrived in town yesterday. Yes, they are staying For a month. If you don't hear from me for awhile, check the gutters. I mean, I love my in-laws, it's not that. I just might need more meds. Cuz I can't just sit around and watch soaps and eat bonbons when people are watching....

girls number one

The Good Fight

(Refer to my previous blog entry, Tug of War)
(And yes, for those of you who are noticing, I stole this blog title from a Sex and the City episode.)

My husband and I got into a (ridiculous) argument about really ridiculous things like: dishes, cooking, putting stuff away, toilet paper, and things like that. I cried, he yelled; we didn't talk for two hours, we screamed more, we laughed, I got mad again and he yelled some more and stormed into the bedroom...it was just one of those fights that lasted for hours and hours and nothing was accomplished. We finally fell into bed, exhausted, at midnight. After awhile we didn't even know what we were fighting about.

I may be completely off base here, but sometimes it feels good to fight. I get a lot of things off my chest. I'm a people pleaser (to the MAX) and most of the times I have a really hard time being honest about the way I feel. So when we're fighting, it gives me a chance to be brutally honest. It was silly and childish, and we each said very hurtful things.

But the next day on my facebook wall, for ALL the world to see, was this: 

"Baby, I love you so much. I need to work harder for you, and I will. I promise."

Coffee was ready and hot, the dishes were done, and my kitchen was sparkling clean before my husband left for work at 7am. Hmm..

So fighting sometimes just gets all that energy out and lays everything on the table. There's a couple hurt feelings and mental bruises, so to speak, but that heals. It ended up being a really good fight.

Girl no. 2

Movie Quotes

I was reading through some movie quotes today and came across this one.
From "Overboard", one of my favorite movies. I think this may be
my life quote.
Or perhaps, the motto for our Blog?

"I don't belong here, I feel it, don't you think I feel it. I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't WANT to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh God."

girl number one

Nice things

My husband and I don't speak the same love language (Love Languages). I don't want to paint my husband in a bad light or anything, but seriously, in the past 4 years, he's done about 8 nice things for me. Nice things = my love language. Most of the time he is a pain in my ass. And sometimes he does nice things for me, but they benefit him somehow. Like when he bought me an Iphone. I didn't really want one anyway, and the reality behind him buying it- he wanted an Iphone and he knew I'd be mad if he spent $400 on himself. (He got some deal; ended up only spending $400 on both and we had a $200 credit at best buy, so it was actually a pretty sweet deal).

Anyway, so this morning he had to wake up early and catch a flight. He kissed me before he left and said, "I made coffee for you." Okay keep in mind:

1. This is  the first time he's ever made me coffee in the morning.

2. I'm sure this was partly selfish, bc he wanted some coffee bc he was leaving early. But I didn't even care. It was the best part of my day, week, month.

Girl number one

Tug of War

Sometimes I feel like marriage is a game of tug-of-war. But, it's not fun...so I shouldn't call it a game.
Who worked harder this week?
Who got the least amount of sleep?
Who's the most stressed?
Who did the dishes last?
Who changed the last diaper?
Who changed the last POOPY diaper?
Who cooks more?
Who does more laundry?
Why is it such a battle? Why can't we just stop and appreciate what the other does and help out when we can? The person who had the least amount of sleep has the upper hand. The person with the full time job has the upper hand. Why? I so tired of tugging and pulling and trying to prove to my husband that I'm exhausted. I'm sick of him laying on the couch every day off he has, because he "works full time."I don't get a "day off" to lay on the couch. And on my "day off" I go to work. Actual work. I work a couple of days a week as a server. But when I get home it's back to laundry, cleaning, taking care of an eight month old.
Anyone else know where I'm coming from?

girl number two

Interview #1

I interviewed my Grandparents. They have been married for 60 years. My Grandpa's answers are in blue and my Grandma's answers are in pink. I didn't change any of their words.


Question 1-
How important is happiness to you? In your own life? In your marriage? Would you stay in a relationship if you were unhappy?

"NO! But "relationship" is a phony word for marriage."

"I'd probably stay. Probably"

Question 2-
What is the best quality about your spouse? Is that quality something you initially looked for in a spouse?

"Grace. Yes...how lucky to have found it."

"I was looking for a prince. Honest, hardworking, and caring. He is all of those."

Question 3-
What is the best marriage advice you have ever received? The worst?

The Best: "Nick, she is not your type! or Be gentle. "Think of spouse first, always. Laugh at your kids."
The Worst "Show her who is boss."

Question 4-
When you first got married is this where you saw yourself, where you are now?

"YES! Though I didn't expect to live this long."

"Yes"

Question 5-

Was there ever a time in your marriage, when you wanted to quit? How did you get through that?

"Prodigal children and grandchildren are the hardest to get through, but the last forty years were the easiest. Keep moving ahead toward your goals."

"Prayer time, family and friends."

Question 6-

What is the best thing about being married? The Worst?

"Companionship with Grace herself. There is no worst! But, the demands of love are....demanding."

"My friend. Doing things together, being together. The worst is being alone."


Girl No.2

Bobby Pins

Question I get asked the most (by my husband):

Why are your bobby pins all over the house? The floor? In our bed?

girl #1

Headaches and Orgasms

So, for the past 3 days, I've had a headache. Maybe brought on by stress, lack of sleep, new birth control. Who knows. I vaguely remember something about orgasms getting rid of migraines. Won't hurt to try...

And my headache is gone. Seriously. No headache.

Interesting Article about sex, migraines, headaches and orgasms

girl number one

Plateau

Sorry, I haven't written in awhile. I've been feeling blah and melancholy about my marriage. Perhaps we have hit a plateau. Which is okay, because I’m completely exhausted from the recent highs and lows. Specifically the lows.

The last time my husband and I had sex? Hmmm. Actually I can’t even remember.

He was putting the moves on me the other night, and I felt like I was going to puke. I’m just being honest. Perhaps this is just a phase? A phase that lasts while you have preschoolers. You’re so exhausted that the thought of having sex makes you want to puke?

Please tell me I’m not the only one…

Girl number one

Quote of the Week

Husband: What is menopause? When you stop being horny?

Girl number one

Date Night (with my husband)

Date Number #1, with my husband.
Date night was actually enjoyable. No kids. Starbucks. Movie. Wings and Beer.

Except the combo of starbucks and wings was a bad idea, but

we really wanted to have/do everything we love.

So despite the upset stomach and "too tired for Sex" later that night,

Date = success

Girl Number One

Absence

I do believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
My husband started a new job and has worked 10am to 8pm for five days straight. When he gets home I'm so happy to see him. We talk and laugh and kiss and cuddle.
When we were stuck inside for two days because of a snow storm, we almost got a divorce. Why is that?
Maybe humans are not supposed to be with their lover, constantly.
We need our own space to breathe. I enjoy when my husband is gone. I scrapbook, read, watch stupid TV, and sing to Glee songs.
But, having him gone 50+ hours a week is hard, too.
Do you agree? Would you rather have your loved one constantly around or do you need space?

Girl. No.2