Interview #3

Years Married: 1 year  8 months

I have been married twice before.  The first marriage was to my daughter’s father.  I was 19 and it lasted 1 year.  My second marriage was to a man 12 years older than me.  I knew I preferred women from a very early age but didn’t think the ‘lifestyle’ fit the type of family I wanted.  It wasn’t until I was in my second marriage that I started meeting other gay people and learned that they had similar values as me.

My wife was married once before for ten years and the two are actually still friends. As a matter of fact, she came to our wedding.

The lows of past marriages would be that I could never fully be myself; therefore, I chose people to be with who were abusive and didn’t actually care about who ‘myself’ was.

I love being married to my wife, so there are so many highs.  To know that someone actually loves you for you is just amazing.  She supports me in everything I do and believes in me when I can’t or just don’t believe in myself. 

How important is happiness to you? In your Own Life? In your Marriage? Would you stay in a marriage if you were unhappy?

Happiness is one of my life goals, so very important in my life and marriage.  I have stayed in unhappy marriages and can tell you that they start killing parts of you.  This isn’t to say that I am going to bail on marriage if we have unhappy moments; instead I am going to work very hard to figure out what is going on and why we are unhappy.  My Wife is a very “therapy positive” person.  I am not, but I would be in a therapist office in a minute if she told me she was unhappy and wanted us to seek therapy together. 

What is the best quality about your spouse? Is that quality something you initially looked for in a spouse?

My wife is open and honest.  It is something that I struggle with but also know that it makes us a stronger couple.  I have a hard time sharing feelings.  She has to share feelings.

She is also the most compassionate and caring person I know.  It is her entire life.  She even makes her living from it.  She is pediatric chaplain.  She donates to a huge list of charities, raises money for childhood cancer research, and raises awareness about all kinds of social justice issues from immigration laws to human trafficking for sexual exploitation.

She is also the most intelligent person I know.

When you first got married, is this where you saw yourself, where you are now?

Life is better than I have ever imagined.  I was in love when I got married but now it is something more.

What is your favorite thing to do with your spouse?

We like to play and be silly.  On our first date we walked to a park after a concert and played on the swings.  We haven’t stopped playing since then.  We go for bike rides, beach days, runs, walks, dancing, and just lots of laughing. 

What movie/song best describes your marriage? Nothing in between  by Stuart Davis

What is the one thing you wish you could tell women who are looking for love?

I wish I could tell my daughter that love is not about changing who you are.  I also wish I she knew that she doesn’t need someone to complete her.

Extra Notes:

I love being married.  My marriage is not legal but it is the most real thing I know.  My life has changed in some amazing ways from having such a healthy love.  I never knew life could be this great.

This is what my wife wrote on our wedding blog:

While I am rarely at a loss for words, I believe that love can be so totally engaging, healing, and transforming that all the physical senses lack the ability to capture the experience. That is where (Wife) and I are… in the throes of all that love reveals to us. We believe it will be some time before we can fully articulate the experience of cultivating our relationship because it has been so breathtakingly unexpected. But for the sake of reflection, love, and a snazzy wedding website, I’m going to try.

First of all, it seems that there are no words eloquent enough to capture what has happened between (Wife) and me. Neither of us was looking for a relationship or love… and we definitely weren’t looking to create a new family. Yet, that is what began to happen in almost effortless ways from the beginning. It started with a strong and indescribable connection that soon grew. We each experienced an awakening of pieces of ourselves we had not previously known. And most notably, we found new hope, vision, and dreams together.

 Yet, that is not all that happened. (Daughter), (Wife)’s fifteen-year-old daughter, was cautiously watching this relationship develop trying to figure out what it meant in her life. She soon discovered that I am not afraid to play and so began our relationship. Whether it was riding shopping carts in parking lots or searching for the perfect “trapper hat,” (Daugther) and I spent a lot of time talking, playing, and just hanging out.

 This leads us to today. We are planning our wedding as a ritual to share our commitment in the company of the friends and family that hold and nurture us. It is a special time for all three of us and we look forward to sharing it with you either in person or through pictures and conversation. Regardless, of how it happens, we want to share the joy we are experiencing with you.