January Reading

Girl Number One

I hope you girls read "I'd Rather Eat Chocolate". Ahh, so good. Honestly, it changed the way I look at sex. Honestly. The author, Joan Sewell, not only is brutally honest and open about her sex life with boyfriend, then fiancé, then husband, she is a really great writer. So many times when I read these "self-help/relationship guide" books, I can't get past the horrible writing. But, Ahh, a breath of fresh air with Joan.

Two of my favorite Quotes are from the Beginning of the book.

"Dr. Laura Berman said, 'A lot of men don't realize that some of the best foreplay you can give your wife is taking the kids, washing the dishes, cleaning up. She will be so turned on, right?'"

Read out loud to my husband.

"If you don't enjoy sex, and are having it anyway, you are truly being submissive in the most personal way possible."

I love this book because it's not just one woman's ideas and thoughts. The author researches and reads and searches for answers about sex and marriage. She quotes television, other writers, and other women.

It's really a collaboration of thoughts. And it's powerful; and for me, life changing.

Let me know what you thought about the Book. 

Secret #2

Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning, my 6 month-old daughter sits on the sink and hangs out with me. Sometimes I let her suck on my husband's toothbrush. Sometimes I don't even rinse it off after she's done. Sometimes she has a runny nose while she does it. My bad.

girlnumbertwo

Ingredients for Marriage

My four ingredients for (a good) marriage: good sex, honesty, happiness and commitment. I know there are more ingredients, but those are the big ones, right?

Can you have a healthy marriage if you're only having bad sex?

Honesty, of course.

Commitment, of course; everyone wants love until the end. Except maybe people in Hollywood. 

What trips me up is this desire to be happy. I feel like many don't make happiness a necessity.

"Are you Happy?"

"No, but we've been together for 20 years."

Is commitment the ultimate goal? To stay together forever? Even if you're not happy? Even if you haven't had sex in 9 months?

It's "appropriate" to leave a marriage for infidelity, abuse and dishonestly.

Are you allowed to leave because you’re not happy? Is that enough?

Are you allowed to leave if you and your spouse don’t connect sexually?

I’m just confused how much good sex and happiness matter.

I feel like this is the Christian View of marriage. This is just my perspective.

This graph is Hollywood Love. If you’re not happy, why stay?

Why are we getting mixed messages? 

Does it have to be one or the other?

Can we make the ingredients even amounts?

Or does one have to be more/less?

Girl Number One

Recommended Reading

"How to Be Good"  Nick Hornby

I read this Book awhile ago, and have kept this quote on my computer.

“What you don’t ever catch a glimpse of on your wedding day- because how could you?- is that some days you will hate your spouse, that you will look at him and regret ever exchanging a word with him, let alone a ring and bodily fluids. Nor is it possible to foresee the desperation and depression, the sense that your life is over, the occasional urge to hit your whining children, even though hitting them is something you knew for a fact you would never ever do. And of course you don’t think about having affairs, and when you get to that stage in life when you do (and everyone gets there sooner or later), you don’t think of the sick feeling you get in your stomach when you’re conducting them, their inherent unhappiness. And nor do you think about your husband waking up in the morning and being someone you don’t recognize. If anyone thought about any of these things, then no one would ever get married, of course they wouldn’t; in fact, the impulse to marry would come from the same place the impulse to drink a bottle of bleach, and those are the kinds of impulses we try to ignore, rather than celebrate. So we can’t afford to think about these things because getting married- or finding a partner whom we will want to spend our lives with and have children by- is on our agenda. It’s something we know we will do one day, and if you take that away from us then we are left with promotions at work and the possibility of a winning lottery ticket and it’s not enough, so we kid ourselves that it is possible to enter these partnerships and be faced only with the problem of mud removal, and then we become unhappy and take Prozac and then we get divorced and die alone. “

Obviously we're in the midst of Dirty Realism here. The glass is half empty. And perhaps as much as we need to hear the truth about Marriage- it's hard, it's difficult, some days you will wake up and hate your spouse- we also need to hear about the magic. We need to know that some nights our husband w i l l bring home flowers. We need to know that some nights our husband w i l l hang up his coat and put his shoes away. Sure, it's not always rainbows and butterflies, but it's not always unahappiness and Prozac. We get to have both. The rainbows tide us over until the rain comes again.

Girl Number One

Knocked Up

My favorite Marriage Relationship is from "Knocked Up". I love the relationship between Debbie and Pete (played by Leslie Mann and Paul Rudd). I think it's a pretty accurate depiction of marriage after children.

Maybe it's a little pessimistic, but it's accurate. and I'd rather have honesty.

Girl Number One

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Back in the day, when I first got married, when life was rainbows and butterflies, I hated being away from my husband. He traveled 3 weeks out of the month, and while he was gone I would sit around and mope. And the worst part of it all? We only had one car and it was a stick. I couldn't drive it. I would practice and practice, but I just couldn't get the hang of it. So I would sit in my apartment. All Week. Waiting for my husband to come home.

Fast Forward. 3 Years.

My husband leaves tomorrow for the week, and I'm almost excited. Don't get me wrong, I miss him when he's gone. But it's nice to have the quiet nights to myself. I can watch whatever I want on TV and do crosswords puzzles without anyone bugging me. I can read without his constant asking "Why do you read? Do you like reading?"

The only time I get a little lonely is dinner time. I hate cooking for just me and the kids. But otherthanthat, this works for us. If he doesn't travel for awhile, both of us start to get a little kooky. Maybe it works for us, because this is the way it’s always been.

I do worry a little about him. I worry that he has a girlfriend in every city he travels to. I worry about his plane going down. I wonder if we would be just as happy if he stopped traveling; if we were together every day, every week, every month. But all of the worry aside, I’m looking forward to having some peace and quiet tomorrow night.

Girl Number One

The Dry Spell

Okay okay okay. You're right. This blog is called Sex.Love.Marriage. And I, Girl No.2, have not talked about sex yet. I'm nervous about spilling my sex life onto the screen and letting cyber space judge me accordingly. But, I believe in this blog and I believe in being honest to my readers.

(Warning: If you are reading this blog for the Love.Marriage sections then skip this sultry entry.)

My husband and I dated for about two months before I let him kiss me. I wanted this relationship to be different. Then as soon as we kissed it was full steam ahead. We had sex sometimes 3 times a day. We were in love and very physically showing it with each other. As time went on and we got to know each other better, my husband revealed to me that he isn't all that interested in sex ALL the time. My husband loves to hold hands and make out. The fresh new relationship sex wore off and we were having sex consistently 2-3 times a week. And THEN. I got pregnant. And THEN we got married. And....drum rolllllllllllll. We have had sex once since our wedding night. And we got married in March of 2010.

I know. I'm a terrible wife. But, here are some key reasons. I've had some abuse in my past. I was very uncomfortable having sex when I was pregnant. My husband is VERY understanding and sensitive to me to the point of annoyance. So now he does not ever initiate sex, because of course he would feel terrible if I turned him down. So it's all on me to initiate it and.....we don't do it.

So. I"m planning on it. Very soon. To get our sex life back. Men need it and I know this. This is my goal for this year. To reclaim our sex life and be the wonderful wife I know is in me.

Girl Number Two

Day of Loathing

Today, my husband and I are having an "off" day. I woke up loathing him. Where did this hatred come from? Perhaps from the socks that were left on the floor last night, or the dishes in the sink, or the cup of tea that he left on the window sill. Maybe because he brought our 2-year-old into bed last night and then we didn’t talk or snuggle or kiss. Or MAYBE because he’s been so lazy the past 2 days and he hasn’t even showered. Maybe because he told me yesterday that he makes better rice than I do. What the hell? My marriage is a buzz kill some days.

Girl number one

Romantic Comedies vs. The World

 Girl No. 2 (on a soapbox)

This is a blog about how Romantic Comedies are fighting the world and (almost) winning. I despise Romantic Comedies. The word cliche' doesn't even begin to explain the outcome of every romantic comedy out there. I loathe them with my entire being. I dislike how they are all the same. I dislike the majority of actors who play in them...and I truly feel they are making women look at their marriage/relationship and question it.

I went to see one yesterday. (With my best friend because she loves them and I love her) I'm not going to tell you the title because I don't want to ruin the "surprise" for anyone else. I left the movie on a high. I felt good about love and relationships. In the movie I witnessed amazing sex, funny dialogue, physical comedy, light hearted problems that were all cleverly solved on a beautiful California backdrop, everyone was skinny and pretty, and tan. I left the movie with a great view of love. But as the day went on I started to feel bad. Bad about my marriage that doesn't end with sex on the beach every night. I started to wonder why my husband doesn't chase me across town with a bouquet of flowers screaming that I'm his one true love.

Then a crazy thought entered my mind. Could EVERY single Romantic Comedy be wrong about love? Were they filling our brains with this nonsense that life should be a romantic comedy? I started to think about all these movies we base our relationships on....The Notebook, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, Runaway Bride, Maid in Manhattan, Pretty Woman. These movies are fun to watch and Meg Ryan is oh so adorable, but they make me feel bad about my marriage when I'm done watching them. My husband doesn't cleverly banter like Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail. My husband doesn't order strawberries and champagne like Richard Gere. My husband certainly didn't wait for me for years while I was engaged to another man.


I know what my sister will say. We use these movies to escape. But could it be similar to the studies that prove video games make kids more violent? Could Romantic Comedies be slowly ruining marriages? Women waiting for their Jon Cusack to play music outside their window on a boom box why their "normal" husbands sit inside watching football. Well, ladies...he isn't coming. Real life is my husband sleeping right now, breathing loudly, dreaming about the Bears game today, and his bad breath creating a green smog in our bedroom. That's real life. And I have to admit....I'm happy.

January Reading

Check out our new tab: Books.

Every Month we'll be reading a new book about love or sex or marriage. Possibly all three.

Join Us.

We can enjoy, discuss, learn, grow.

Secret #1

When I'm mad at my husband (usually as a result of him leaving the trash by the door for 4 days and telling me he "forgot" and how in the world am I supposed to carry down 3 kids AND the garbage), I get back at him. A little Secret way.

When I take a shower, I use his razor. The one he uses to shave his face. I use it to shave my airpits.

Ahhh, I feel better.

Girl #1

Funny

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.” -Carrie Bradshaw

It's kind of cliche I guess, to use a quote from Sex and the City, but that show is a monumental piece of culture. Especially for women. This is my favorite quote from the entire series. I watch each episode time and time again. It has a lot of truth in it's smart writing. 

After reading this quote I think about when I love myself the most. When I'm most happy and content and confident. I think sometimes in our culture, if you love yourself you are viewed as conceited or too confident. But, if you think about when you are the most self-assured that is the area that will bring you the most happiness. And if your partner loves that about you, well...it's fabulous. 

Example: I'm really funny. I think I am. I'm good at telling stories and I love making people laugh. I measure my acceptance from people weather they laugh at me or not. I'm very uncomfortable when people don't laugh at me. Does that make sense? My husband doesn't really laugh at me. Sometimes he does. And when he does, I'm very happy. It brings me huge buckets of joy. That is the "me" that I love. The funny part. And when my husband taps into that, if sends my confidence to the moon. 

But, can I tell my husband to laugh at me more? Not really. I think I'm really funny when I talk like Snooky from Jersey Shore. My husband hates Jersey Shore more than anything in the world. So he never laughs at that. 

Maybe I need new material.

Girl No. 2

Thank You

P.S. Welcome to our new readers. We are so glad you've joined us! Thank you.

Husband Swap

My sister and I talk about having a husband swap. Not because we want to be with our sister’s spouse, but because we think it would help us appreciate our own spouse. Correct me, Girl #2, if I am off base with any of these descriptions

My husband ( #1):

For Fun: Dancing, bars, clubs, the Beach, action movies

Favorite Foods: Lasagna, Salads, Chocolate Bars (He’ll never admit it)

Attributes: Loud, Laughs at his own Jokes, Likes to admire and comment about the beauty of other women, wishes he was single, fast-moving, doesn’t watch sports, financially responsible (but splurges on shoes, electronics)

Her Husband (#2):

For Fun: Reading, Relaxing, Watching Sports, Drinking Beer

Favorite Foods: Jell-O, fig newtons, Greasy hamburgers, fast food, chili and cornbread

Attributes: Good listener, likes to discuss politics, loves to debate, very kind to strangers, sensitive and SENTIMENTAL, Go Green, lackadaisical

Just think of it like this: Our husbands are opposite in every way. Her husband recycles; my husband throws trash out of the window. My husband yells at receptionists, managers and waitresses; my brother-in-law seldom, perhaps never, raises his voice.

If I lived with Husband #2, I would enjoy reading, staying in and being quiet. I would enjoy being asked about my day. I would enjoy discussing books and politics and religion. Such a change from being with someone who has never even read a book.  I would enjoy being married to someone who doesn’t constantly hit on other women. But I would probably get bored. I would miss the spontaneity and excitement. I would get bored watching football, and I would miss ‘The Fast and the Furious.’ I would miss the healthy foods and fast-moving life. It might be nice for a couple of days, to switch. I’m sure my sister would enjoy staying out ‘til sunrise, dancing and listening to rap music. I guess just a little change of scenery would nice now and then…

Girl Number One

men love video games

I will never understand my husband's love of electronics, video games, iphones and ipads. I will never understand why he loves to go to Best Buy and "Play" and look at stuff and ask questions. 3 hours later he emerges.

“Honey, can you help me take care of your Children?”

“In a minute. Let me finish my game.” On his phone. The game where he shoots and kills people.

My husband probably doesn't understand me. He probably wonders why I love to go to Michael's and look through crafts. He doesn't understand why I go to Target and walk down every aisle.

Sometimes he goes to Target with me. Sometimes I go to Best Buy with him. We don't really enjoy ourselves. But it's nice to do nice things for the person you love.

Girl #1

Happy

Once in awhile, My husband asks: "Honey, What would make you happy?"

Hmm... Sometimes it's just something little, like a Pepsi or some Mexican Food.

Last night I asked for Shopping.

"How much do you need?"

Money doesn't buy happiness. But it sure helps the cold days go by quickly.

Girl No. 1

Raging Bull Part II

Girl No.2

I am a raging bull. I see dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is empty and I become the worst version of myself. 

So. This has been about two weeks since my last raging bull incident. I decided to react differently this time. I woke up this morning to my find my husband's dishes in the sink from the night before. I started to heave in big breaths of air and blow them through my nose. I clanked around in the kitchen hopefully stirring my husband who was deep in slumber so he could know how furious I was. He didn't move a muscle. I put all his dishes in the dishwasher and washed out the disgusting meatball stench that clung to the sides of the sink. Normally I would have festered about this for the two hours while I wait for him to get up. Then I would ignore him for another hour while he asks, "Baby, what's wrong?" Then I would treat him poorly for another hour until he went to work and our whole day would be a childish back and forth silent treatment.

But, being my mature self, I decided to react differently. I did fester about it for about fifteen minutes. Then I put my daughter back to sleep and calmly climbed in bed with my husband. He said, "Good morning, baby. Everything okay today?" I decided to calmly and rationally explain.

"Babe. When you eat late at night would you mind making sure you put everything you use away? I spent a lot of time cleaning yesterday and I hate waking up to a sink full of dirty dishes. It makes me really sad."

His response was.....surprising? 

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry." Really. That's what he said. No argument. No back and forth of who works harder. Just that.Then we cuddled. Hmmmm. Could this be a break through? Could calmly telling my husband what was actually wrong fix this tiny raging bull problem? Only time will tell.

A Break from Marriage? Yes, Please.

I miss dating. The thrill of the first date, the first kiss and then moving on before the first 'I love You'. At least that's how I did it. No commitment for me. I loved the beginning, the small talk. I miss the time in life when everything was new and fresh and exciting.

Marriage is dull and monotonous. Marriage is sleeping on the couch when you need a break. You can't just crash at a girlfriend's house when you need some alone time. You can't go out for dinner and flirt and order expensive drinks because he's paying. Nope. When you're married you eat Lasagna at home and talk about the kids, and if you happen to find a sitter, you go out to eat and order the least expensive item on the menu because you have to buy diapers and formula and pay for piano lessons.

Romance and fine dining? It's over. Over.

Yes, soccer games are fun. Pizza and game night is fun. Disney World is fun. But I miss staying out late. I miss talking to cute boys. I miss only paying $4 for my bar tab because I was skinny and cute and all the boys thought so too.

Marriage is security. It's waking up, knowing you'll be loved and cared for. It's a lot of work trying to keep excitement and glitter in a marriage. Especially after you have kids. After kids your mind is bogged down with doctor appointments and how to discipline in public and how to get your 2 year-old to eat vegetables. Marriage is your husband coming home and yelling at you because you spend too much money. Yes, I need anti-depressants, caffeine, chocolate, chips, a gym membership and a new pair of boots to survive motherhood. I'm sorry, but Moms do all the work, get all of the blame and never sleep. Maybe I'm not even looking for romance. Maybe I'm just looking for my husband to slap my ass or say hello to me. Something little. To tide me over for awhile.

I want some Glitter.

This is all jumbled.  

I can hear my kids coughing. I know it's going to be a long night.

Ugghhh.

Girl Number One

Statistics

Age Group	18-24	25-29	30-39	40-49	50-59
Not in past year	50.8	43.0	72.3	71.1	85.4
A few times per year to monthly	16.4	21.5	10.7	16.9	5.4
A few times per month to weekly	19.7	24.1	12.5	9.9	7.0
2-3 times per week	8.2	1.3	4.5	2.1	2.2
4 or more times per week	4.9	10.1	0.0	0.0	0.0
Not in past year	11.8	3.5	6.5	8.1	22.0
A few times per year to monthly	14.7	11.6	16.3	21.7	23.7
A few times per month to weekly	14.7	47.7	50.2	46.6	36.2
2-3 times per week	35.3	35.2	21.9	20.8	16.9
4 or more times per week	23.5	2.0	5.1	2.7	1.1

I will try and fix this so it's easier to read, but until then,
the Top Graph is Single Women, Bottom Graph Married Women.

You can see the rest of the statistics at

The Kinsey Institute